Writing the story I want.
When I first started writing, it was for many reasons. I have dyslexia. While reading doesn't cure dyslexia, it helps it -- a lot. So I've read ever since I can remember to keep dyslexia from hurting my school work. There's nothing more annoying than getting lower grades just because the answer is 36, not 63.

Most writers will admit to reading being an addiction, and I'm no exception to that. I was spending way too much money on books as a teenager, and to help my parents, I thought I'd start writing. I'd write snippets of anything. Finally I wanted to commit to a character and her story. It was a whimsical romance of a princess finding her prince. (If you knew me in person, you'd be shocked, but secretly, I could sit down and watch Disney movies for hours.)

After finishing the book, I wanted to write something else! Entirely different! Being sixteen, I was young and entirely too enthusiastic. I wanted a male protag this time. And a blonde bombshell antag. I wanted a dragon, and a unicorn. I wanted magic. I wanted religion incorporated. I wanted five best friends that would stick together, no matter what. I wanted a story about unconditional love. I wanted a story where good triumphed evil. Basically, I wanted the things I had never had in my life.

Sure I have a dog, but not a dragon. Or unicorn. I never had the close knit friends that would stick by each other no matter what (give me a break, it was high school). I never had magic, or a studly superman. Or a woman that was strong and independent.

As time went on, it wasn't just about what I wanted anymore. It was about what my characters wanted. It was what Bryce wanted. But most importantly, and if you read this damned blog -- learn from my mistake, what I wrote was more influenced by what the reading community wanted.

If you look at anything, you can find a list of don't do this. Don't do that. I'm so tired of seeing this. If you look at so-n-so agent's blog, you'll see they're entirely tired of seeing x, y, and z.

And next thing you know, you alter your story. So one thing I'm going to do before I start my re-write is get back to being selfish.

I'm currently going to school, and no, not for writing. In fact, English isn't even a required course for what I'm doing. My teacher, however, is the epitome of a mentor. He's encouraging, and shares everything with us. He teaches much more than what's just required by the state, and one thing he does that I envy more than anything, is confront his weaknesses.

He jokes about them, but he's able to. Why? Because he's going to work on them until they're no longer a weakness. Out of all my time living, I've never seen anything like it. Instead, I've always up-played my strengths. But I'm going to work on the weaknesses. Not just work on them, conquer them.

I've come to a road block. I see what I need to do, and I plan on conquering it.

So what are my weaknesses?
*Sentence Structure (I am the WORST EVER about: Bryce grabbed the axe as the bullet flew by. Bryce did this as x happened.)
*Self-confidence in my writing
*Slowing down the pace to describe a scene perfectly (I've worked on my novel so much that I forget people don't know what the walls of the Abyss look like. Or where it's located. Or shit, even the way a character acts.)

So I'm going to work on all four at once. Sounds like a tall order, but hey, it's me. I don't know how to do it any other way.

Here's the plan: I'm going to start reading and working on my technical writing skills while describing my characters and certain scenes. I think I'll even post some of the work on my blog. Working on all of this, should effect my confidence in my writing.

So, there it is. I'm staring my weaknesses in the face, and I'm going to conquer them before I start again.

If anyone has blog posts, books -- anything to help someone that needs to work on technical writing, feel free to post and help me out! Thank you!
My Masochistic Relationship
Masochism: gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

That's how I feel about writing. It's a painful art. It's something I have no doubt that I love, but in the same ways, it's a degrading love. Why do I even love it? Back in September, I decided to take a break from writing. Nothing out of the usual. I obsess over writing until it becomes nothing but my life. Eventually, I'll burn out and give myself a break. Last September, it was more than a break. I decided to give it up for good. The query process always does it to me. It makes me question my own ability. It makes me question my story. It makes me question why I did it this way instead of that way. Why wouldn't I do it this way? Is this too boring? Is this too intense? I'm sure if you've ever been nailed to the query cross, you understand my pain.

And so I do what anyone insecure in their writing does. Start over. Give it another go.

How many times do you start over until you realize it's not happening? Well, my number was six. I've re-written my world and my story at least six complete times. And after the last time, I gave up. I wanted to quit for good.

Yet -- here I am. Wanting to give it another shot, again. Will it be perfect? No. Will there be changes? Absolutely. How many changes? A ton.

It's no longer YA. It's no longer told from one point of view. I'm still working on the outline, so I'm not sure what all it will be, but I know I'm going to have a hard time giving the characters the justice and depth they deserve. Something won't let me let go of the story, though, and that alone means I'm going to do just fine.

I don't even care if I get published anymore. I don't care about the query process. All I care about is telling the story I want to tell and how I want to tell it. I can't tell you how amazing it is to say that -- and actually mean it.
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