My Masochistic Relationship
Masochism: gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, especially the tendency to seek this form of gratification.

That's how I feel about writing. It's a painful art. It's something I have no doubt that I love, but in the same ways, it's a degrading love. Why do I even love it? Back in September, I decided to take a break from writing. Nothing out of the usual. I obsess over writing until it becomes nothing but my life. Eventually, I'll burn out and give myself a break. Last September, it was more than a break. I decided to give it up for good. The query process always does it to me. It makes me question my own ability. It makes me question my story. It makes me question why I did it this way instead of that way. Why wouldn't I do it this way? Is this too boring? Is this too intense? I'm sure if you've ever been nailed to the query cross, you understand my pain.

And so I do what anyone insecure in their writing does. Start over. Give it another go.

How many times do you start over until you realize it's not happening? Well, my number was six. I've re-written my world and my story at least six complete times. And after the last time, I gave up. I wanted to quit for good.

Yet -- here I am. Wanting to give it another shot, again. Will it be perfect? No. Will there be changes? Absolutely. How many changes? A ton.

It's no longer YA. It's no longer told from one point of view. I'm still working on the outline, so I'm not sure what all it will be, but I know I'm going to have a hard time giving the characters the justice and depth they deserve. Something won't let me let go of the story, though, and that alone means I'm going to do just fine.

I don't even care if I get published anymore. I don't care about the query process. All I care about is telling the story I want to tell and how I want to tell it. I can't tell you how amazing it is to say that -- and actually mean it.
0 Responses
  • Followers