Note to self: when your eyes are goosh and you are considering putting something up for review.

Don't.

After working hours to do my query, there were tons of elementary mistakes. My query just got rocked, hah. Although it's embarrassing that I put such trash under my name, I'm going to try and make it a positive.

But on a random side note, it seems like when there are elementary mistakes, more people give you feedback. When my second version of the query was up there, I had one comment in 4 days. This was up for about 12 hours and already has 5. The more feedback the better.

So far, this is what the feedback looks like after I corrected the grammatical mess I started with.

Their thoughts are in red, mine are in blue.

Blood. The sprays of red liquid across his kitchen floor haunt the helpless seventeen-year-old, Bryce Bourbon. With his parents dead, Bryce attempts to kill Becca, the sadistic demon who murders his family, but fails. He knows her name? Perhaps I'm wrong, but a query should be told from the stance of the author, not the character. I'll have to look into it.

Desperate for enough strength to knock the mocking grin off Becca's face, he abandons the comforts of New York to go to a hidden city in the Philippines, the Abyss. You introduce three different locations in one sentence. If he never goes back to NYC, it *really* doesn't need to be mentioned. You also need to carefully consider whether it matters that the hidden city is in the Philippines, too [See, and I was told to be specific where the Abyss was in previous feedback. It could be in the garage or alleyway somewhere..? Not sure what to do here.] Despite Bryce's accident-prone nature, the war academy What war academy? You only mentioned a hidden city [And that's why I'm giving you more information about the hidden city =( Guess I should make it omega infodump?] successfully trains him as an elemental-wielding assassin. With avid experimentation he learns he can conduct Aether, a power much like an atomic bomb so it blows things up using fission? Really? [Actually, yes, yes it does. That's my worlds form of magic.]that only one person was known to manipulate: the Devil. I think this should be capitalised, if we're talking about the ultimate devil. Agreed, so I did.

After utilizing Aether, hallucinations overcome Bryce. Mass genocide. Rape. Torture. The more he uses the wicked magic, the more these nightmares come. When he sees the devil's reflection, Bryce realizes the scenes weren't simple illusions -- they are memories. His memories.

Becca knew who the young boy was the second her eyes fell on him. Killing his parents should have been enough to suppress him, but when she realizes her old home, the Abyss, has enrolled the devil, Becca blackmails his friends to turn on him – hoping one will get lucky enough to kill Bryce before he realizes who he is or the power he contains. Screw Becca. She's the antagonist. Stick to Bryce. // Why are we suddenly thrown into her POV? [Once again, conflicting feedback. Someone tells me that my query is bad because it doesn't mention enough about the antag, and this one is telling me to fuck her. *cry*]

With his friends' betrayals and the constant threat behind his explosive power, Bryce must eliminate the treacherous imp before her plans to massacre humanity are carried out. There's one problem: he's becoming the very evil he's fighting against. I'm sorry, I don't get this at all. If Becca's intent is anti-humanity, why wouldn't she be trying to *enlist* Bryce to her cause? [Because she's Queen Bee now. If the devil shows back up she loses that spot. I'm going to need to figure a short snappy way to get that across so it doesn't confuse the reader.]

Ah. That stung. I'm late for work. I'll ask a couple questions about the conflicting feedback, and see what people have to say.

Don't give up, don't give up.

Update:

One of the critters gave me a bit of amazing advice (well, her entire crit did, but she added to it!)

Question: The POV switch - While I wasn't told to do a POV switch, I was told that I needed to show the antag and the personal threats between her and the protag. I figured it would best be done from her point of view.

Answer: Yes, we need to see the antagonist and the personal threats - but we need to see the impact it has upon the protagonist.

Hopefully, your villain is the hero to her own story. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is the filter through which the protagonist sees all this. Is he rocking in a corner and hiding coz he's terrified of what she's doing to his friends? Is he so bent on revenge that even though she's *actually* as cute as a kitten he's gonna rip her to shreds anyway? Does every move she make only piss him off more? That kind of stuff is what we need to know.

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One step closer. Now, I need to get my mind screwed on straight and apply the advice. Woot.

Okay, after getting some lunch in, I decided I was going to apply the advice. Attached is the revisions I need to make, and I'll probably give it a day before I try to tackle it.