Welcome to my personal space of hell. Usually I write about things I'm comfortable with. Things I'm good at. Tricks that help me. I rarely expose myself in this manner, but for the sake of your journey, I'm offering you a special insight to mine.
Here's the query I've been working with:
Blood. The sprays of red liquid across his kitchen floor is only there to haunt him. The seventeen year old arrogant womanizer, Bryce Bourbon, is forever changed after his parents were shot and killed before his helpless hands. Finding out their murderer was no human, instead a demon, Bryce becomes desperate for power.First off, just looking at it, I can tell it's way too long. Here's my first edit with personal thoughts and feedback from others.
He accepts his one-way ticket to the Abyss. Far from being home sweet home, the war academy for elemental-wielding assassins teaches him the one thing he continues to live his life for: Revenge. Obsessing over the new found powers, Bryce masters every element and chemical equation given. In the process, he learns he can conduct Aether, a power much like an atomic bomb, only one person has been fabled to manipulate: the devil.
After accidentally utilizing Aether, visions of murders, rape, child molestation, and religious manipulation overcome Bryce. Insanity corrupts him once he realizes these aren't just glimpses into the past, they are memories from his previous life as Lucifer. Plagued by the horrid sins he once committed, Bryce is determined to obliterate more than the imp that killed his parents; he yearns to slaughter every demon.
What he doesn't calculate is the web of fiends stretches beyond his imagination. They are political leaders and religious figures planted across the Earth, plotting World War III. Stopping the vile beings from painting the world with blood isn't his only worry. Bryce must balance the destructive, unstable power of Aether. Using this magic brings him closer to who he was. He must resist the seduction of sin Aether forces him to crave before he becomes the evil he's fighting against.
Blood. The sprays of red liquid across his kitchen floor is only there to haunt him. [Feedback told me this was too much cheesy imagery. Very rarely do I go against feedback, but this is how I write. This is a slight insight to how I write. After much thought, I decided to keep it.]Theseventeen year oldarrogant womanizer, Bryce Bourbon, is forever changed [Weak verb. He needs to be doing action, not having action done to him.] after his parents wereshot andkilled before his helpless hands. [Feedback said drop "before his helpless hands." I'm on the fence about it. I'll make a decision next edit.] Finding out their murderer was no human, instead a demon, Bryce becomes desperate for power. [Add: power strong enough to...]
He accepts [weak verb] his one-way ticket [cliche phrase] to the Abyss. Far from being home sweet home, [cliche phrase] the war academy for elemental-wielding assassins teaches him the one thing he continues to live his life for: Revenge. Obsessing over the new found powers, Bryce masters every element and chemical equation given. [Given is confusing. Change.] In the process, he learns he can conduct Aether, a power much like an atomic bomb, only one person hasbeen fabled tomanipulated: the devil.
After accidentally utilizing Aether, visions ofmurders, rape, child molestation, and religious manipulation[Feedback showed people didn't like this too much. Think of something better.] overcome Bryce. Insanity corrupts him once he realizes these aren'tjust glimpses into the past, [Feedback suggests Bryce would assume they are hallucinations, which he does. I need to re-word.] they are memories from his previous life as Lucifer. Plagued by the horrid sins he once committed, Bryce is determined to obliterate more than the imp that killed his parents; he yearns to slaughter every demon.[Feedback suggests I stick to the two plots I have: revenge for parents and controlling aether. I also need to introduce the antag. After taking some time to think, I agree.]Bryce must balance the destructive, unstable power of Aether.
What he doesn't calculate is the web of fiends stretches beyond his imagination. They are political leaders and religious figures planted across the Earth, plotting World War III. Stopping the vile beings from painting the world with blood isn't his only worry.Using this magic brings him closer to who he was.[You can tighten this up.] He must resist the seduction of sin Aether forces him to crave before he becomes the evil he's fighting against.
After doing that to myself, I'm suddenly overcome by the horrid memories of my English teacher's obsession. MUST MARK EVERYTHING IN RED. WITH UNDERLINES. AND CAPS. BECAUSE I'M YOUR TEACHER AND MY WORD IS LAW. (But I'm still going to give you an A!)
Remember. Breath. One sentence at a time. I've been edited and reworked about 5 of these, roughly four hours. My eyes are goosh (yes, I just made up a word). I'm not sure if I could spot good writing from bad at this particular moment, so I'm going to call it a night with this thing. Here's where I ended up. I'm debating if I should put it up for criticism or give it a day or two to see what I think later on. Hmmmm. Decisions.
I just re-read it for the billionth time, and I have to say, I'm pretty damn happy with it. I was able to work a bit more voice into it than the info-dump-from-hell I had, while keeping the imagery. I think I like having Becca's view too. I'm a bit concerned about the vagueness in the beginning, but I clarify it in the next paragraph. Going to throw it up in Query Letter Hell and see what kind of response I get. Cross your fingers for me. I hope this damn thing works out.Blood. The sprays of red liquid across his kitchen floor haunts the helpless seventeen year old, Bryce Bourbon. With his parents' dead, Bryce attempts to kill Becca, the sadistic demon who murdered his family, but fails.
Desperate for enough strength to knock the mocking grin off Becca's face, he abandons the comforts of New York to go to a hidden city in the Philippines, the Abyss. Despite Bryce's accident-prone nature, the war academy successfully trains him as an elemental-wielding assassin. With avid experimentation he learns he can conduct Aether, a power much like an atomic bomb, only one person has manipulated before: the devil.
After accidentally utilizing Aether, hallucinations overcome Bryce's mind. Mass genocide. Rape. Torture. The more he uses the wicked magic, the more these nightmares come. When he sees the devil's reflection, Bryce realizes the scenes weren't simple illusions -- they are memories. His memories.
Becca knew who the young boy was the second her eyes fell on him. Killing his parents should have been enough to suppress him, but when she realizes her old home, the Abyss, has enrolled the devil, Becca black mails his friends to turn on him – hoping one will get lucky enough to kill Bryce before he realizes who he is or the power he contains.
With his friends' betrayals and the constant threat behind his explosive power, Bryce must eliminate the treacherous imp before her plans to massacre humanity are carried out. There's one problem: he's becoming the very evil he's fighting against.
